ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
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I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
hackers play passwordle
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*