If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
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Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.