I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
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My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Them: Just act casual
Me:
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism