COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
You Might Also Like
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.