Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
You Might Also Like
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”