My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
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4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
yes yes a thousand times yes!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.