“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
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Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?