Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
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Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
i want to work in this restaurant
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…