Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
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I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples