Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
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For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]