philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman