“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
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Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
This is so me 😂😂
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Breakfast for Stoners:
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.