[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
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Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Thank you corporation very cool
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
President The Rock Obama
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach