Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
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Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”