Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
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I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho