Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
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When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me