My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
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I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
When life hands you women, make women laid.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*