Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
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*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
My brain is a bad influence on me
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Did I do this right
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”