channeling her this year
You Might Also Like
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
That’s fair
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”