Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
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I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.