We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
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Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*