this is me
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In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Worst Native American name ever.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?