Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
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Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
My first child will be named New Folder.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?