Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
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Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?