(Gaming support cat.)
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Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.