The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
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friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
barbara was highly relatable
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*