If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
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judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv