My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
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*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Huge, if true.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose