Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
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love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
You can’t rush stupid.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.