Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
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as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly