if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema