The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
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Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
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My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Gmail told me my password wasnât secure enough but I couldnât remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still canât crack it??
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
me: iâm sad about this thing
therapist: but itâs not about that thing
me: ok thx hereâs $175
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I donât like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) âŚmay i please have a snack
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
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[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us⌠and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Videos that say âwait til the endâ and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, âDonât mind if I do!â and walked away.
Iâd be mad if I wasnât so impressed with his confidence.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I donât know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
First Date
Him: I love a girl whoâs professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
My kid told me whenever I donât wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now weâre playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy