{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
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When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Oh yeah that’s it
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Oh deer
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.