For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
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Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba