My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Dishonest mechanic?
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
That stupid look on my face, is my face
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.