– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
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you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
handsome & gretel
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?