[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?