The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.