My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
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Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*