[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
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Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
At least he brought enough for everyone
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Tastes like chicken.
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.