Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
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I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
2022 be like
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket