Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
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BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.