detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
You Might Also Like
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Smile Twitter, Smile.