It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 馃檨
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sorry i鈥檓 late i had to catch a chicken is something i鈥檇 never thought i鈥檇 say, but here we are
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
*thinks my friend Liz鈥檚 full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
You鈥檙e telling me this man will loan me a shark?
At least once a day my daughter does something I can鈥檛 comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we鈥檙e talking
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that鈥檚 right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.