I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
A completely valid reaction tbh
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same