Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
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You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there