Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
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“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
🤣
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.