Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
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I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Whoa… oh I see lol
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler