Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
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You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Perfect
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in