Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
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I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
pizza
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.